MATES café: offering support when it’s needed
“It only takes a moment, a look, a smile, a handshake to connect with someone. You never know what effect you will have on a fellow suffer,” says Deb Lee.
As a mental health advocate and long-standing member of The Partnership Advisory Group for Mental Health Services (PAG), Deb knows intimately how hard life can be when you are struggling with any form of mental health distress.
Deb Lee with mate Deborah Grace.
The 2017 annual report from The Office of the Director of Mental Health and Addiction Services (published in February this year) states: “In 2017 a record number of people accessed specialist mental health and addiction services.”
It goes on to say: “This increase is consistent with international trends, and has occurred in the context of population growth, improved non-governmental organisation reporting, growing social awareness and increasingly open discussion of mental health issues.”
The report acknowledges that mental health services are experiencing increasing pressure and changes need to be made that will ensure the continuation of services that are best placed to serve the needs of the population.
Deb personally knows how these ‘pressures’ on our mental health services impacts suffers.
She says: “The mental health system in Hawkes Bay is stretched and under-funded. Loads of folk fall through the huge gaps. This ‘one-size fit’s all’ mental health system does not work. It doesn’t address the Wairua of a person. There are no alternative treatments offered that are not clinical and support is very limited for those that live in our rural towns.”
Frustrated by our mental health services, Deb has decided the only way forward, is to start helping each other.
“I really give a shit about my follow peers! Many are isolated, lonely and depressed. It’s reached the point where we really need to be there for each other,” she says.
Deb came across the organisation MATES Café –a network of trained men and women of all cultures, age and ethnicity who are able to meet with a person at their local café in a time of crisis and offer emotional support and encouragement.
Thousands of facilitators across New Zealand are working collectively to reduce isolation and loneliness. They are actively lowering the rising rates of suicide, family violence, depression, relationship-breakdown, health challenges, criminal activity, addictive and dysfunctional behaviour, stress, violence, low self-esteem and lack of direction and focus.
Deb registered to become a MATE.
“The ‘mate’ idea is not about advice or solving people’s problems, rather it’s about listening with empathy and trying to understand the distressed person. Connecting for half an hour can act as an anchor and help hold a person in place as they ride out a storm,” she says.
Life events such as loss, grief, and relationship breakdown can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness. This form of mental distress can attribute to family violence, depression and suicide.
“To me, isolation is ‘free falling’. Without connection, I am a dead leaf. I will die alone in the gutter,” Deb says.
In August 2018 the Chief Coroner of New Zealand released the annual provisional suicide statistics which showed 668 people died by suicide in the 2017/2018 year. This figure was at the highest level since the provisional statistics were first recorded and has consistently increased for four years in a row.
The increase of depression and anxiety in adolescence, and youth suicide is of great concern. Studies have shown this rise cannot simply be attributed to a single mental health issue. Societal change combined with vulnerability and a lack of emotional resilience – that is present at this age, are very real contributing factors.
“We have high levels of depression, anxiety and loneliness in our society for many complex reasons,” Deb says.
“We have more family breakdown. Parenting patterns have changed. Life for our teens is full of competition and expectation. Mothers working long hours, both parents working and now it is common for grandparents to work much later into life. There is a loss of family ties. Also, through media driven fear and stigma our neighbourhoods have lost their ‘neighbourly’ aspect. There is a loss of connection on so many fronts!”
MATES Café is effective intervention. Thousands of highly trained facilitators, armed only with their ears and a cuppa, are making a real difference in people’s lives.
"To me, isolation is "free falling". Without connection, I am a dead leaf. I will die alone in the gutter," says Deb Lee.
Deb believes the success of this organisation is the ‘human’ element.
“Humans have a need to have a ‘real’ human listen to their story – hare an intimate time, one on one, actually talking/speaking about their troubles or their pressing issue,” she says.
“In a world of social media and on-line support groups, the real human contact is getting lost. People need more than a ‘like’ or a short comment left by a stranger. Social media can be very treacherous too! It can tip a person in distress over the edge. The ‘mates’ you meet through the MATES Café initiative are trained in active listening and will provide a short, safe holiday from the big world”.
Currently Hawke’s Bay does not have a MATES Café, but Deb is determined to change that.
“I will be trained as a MATE and will go on to train MATES facilitators in Hawke’s Bay. It is my vision that the MATES helpline will feature along other helplines such as Lifeline et cetera,” she says.
“The great thing about MATES is its accessibility. You can be any age and from any walk of life. I hope to be able to build a network of facilitators throughout Hawkes Bay that will meet needs of our diverse communities.”
Mates look after each other.
Humans need connection. We need to be heard, included and cared for. Life has become so busy, so complicated. Try to take some time out for your family and friends. Like Deb says, “you never know the impact half an hour of your time might have on someone’s life”.
If you would like further information on becoming a MATE, if you need a MATE or would like to support the organisation, visit: www.mates.org.nz.
To contact Deb or to find more information on PAG go to The Partnership Advisory Group Facebook Page.
